Category: Surviving Narcissism

Surviving a narcissist relationship.

Elder Abuse

Sadly, the term elder abuse is real, and it pops up regularly in today’s society. What can we do about it?

Thankfully, we are seeing teachings about elder abuse rise to the forefront. This may help many of us to become better advocates.

The elderly are typically much more vulnerable (e.g., mentally, physically, and economically), compared to younger adults, and I believe that they are less likely to report the abuse of any type.

We teach young children to report abuse (i.e., tell your teacher), and we teach them to know the difference between right and wrong treatment (i.e., what abuse looks like), but I believe an entire segment of our population also needs this education – those that are 60+ years old.

The fact is, the more that we know about abuse – how to recognize the signs of abuse, what to do if we are abused, and what to do if we suspect or know that someone else is experiencing abuse, the better our chances are at diminishing the abundance of abuse in our world today.

The first step in healing is calling it what it is, A.B.U.S.E.!

I have been a victim of elder abuse (by definition). I had to work through it and I learned to call it what it is. Abuse of any type is never okay (Can I say that enough?). Acknowledging that we have been abused and calling it by its name is a big part of healing from it.

Read more at Healing from Narcissistic Abuse Part 1 and Part 2

I cannot imagine being an elderly person, much older than I am, and dealing with abuse either physically or emotionally. Trauma from abuse can lead to mental and physical challenges, and the older the victim is, the harder it is to overcome these issues.

what is elder abuse?

Abuse falls into many categories: mental/emotional/psychological, physical, financial, neglect, and more.

When people hear the term elder abuse, they often think of it as something that happens to a frail person, 80+ years old, living alone and isolated or in a nursing home, mentally and physically unable to fight off the abuser, and unable or afraid to articulate the abuse to others. While this is often the case, there is much more to it.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) describes elder abuse as an intentional act or failure to act that causes or creates a risk of harm to an older adult. An older adult is someone aged 60 or older. The abuse occurs at the hands of a caregiver or a person the elder trusts (e.g., a family member, caregiver, friend, etc.).

Common types of elder abuse (per the CDC) include:

  • Physical abuse is when an elder experiences illness, pain, injury, functional impairment, distress, or death as a result of the intentional use of physical force and includes acts such as hitting, kicking, pushing, slapping, and burning.
  • Sexual abuse involves forced or unwanted sexual interaction of any kind with an older adult. This may include unwanted sexual contact or penetration or non-contact acts such as sexual harassment.
  • Emotional or Psychological Abuse refers to verbal or nonverbal behaviors that inflict anguish, mental pain, fear, or distress on an older adult. Examples include humiliation or disrespect, verbal and non-verbal threats, harassment, and geographic or interpersonal isolation.
  • Neglect is the failure to meet an older adult’s basic needs. These needs include food, water, shelter, clothing, hygiene, and essential medical care.
  • Financial Abuse is the illegal, unauthorized, or improper use of an elder’s money, benefits, belongings, property, or assets for the benefit of someone other than the older adult.

The National Council of Aging (NCOA) recognizes elder abuse as an issue for advocates. In Get the Facts on Elder Abuse the key takeaways are:

  • Elder abuse is a silent problem that robs seniors of their dignity, security, and—in some cases—costs them their lives.
  • Up to five million older Americans are abused every year, and the annual loss by victims of financial abuse is estimated to be at least $36.5 billion.
  • NCOA is working to advance legislation that funds the Elder Justice Act and elder abuse protections of the Older Americans Act.

NCOA’s description of elder abuse closely matches that of the CDC, with a few exceptions and additions :

  • Emotional abuse means verbal assaults, threats of abuse, harassment, or intimidation.
  • Confinement means restraining or isolating an older adult, other than for medical reasons.
  • Willful deprivation means denying an older adult medication, medical care, shelter, food, a therapeutic device, or other physical assistance, and exposing that person to the risk of physical, mental, or emotional harm—except when the older, competent adult has expressed a desire to go without such care.

Please visit each of these pages (CDC and NOCA) to learn more about elder abuse:

The Consequences of Elder Abuse

The ramification of elder abuse does not look much different than it does for any abuse victim, at any age. Abuse can have several physical and emotional effects on an older adult.

The emotional effects of elder abuse can include:

  • Fear
  • Anxiety
  • Distrust and feeling wary of others

The physical effects of elder abuse can include:

  • Minor injuries such as cuts, bruises, scratches, and welts
  • Major injuries to the head, broken bones, continuous physical pain

Any injury caused by abuse, including emotional and psychological abuse, can lead to premature death and can make any existing health challenges worse.

how to prevent elder abuse

I feel compelled to agree with the CDC, that the goal of elder abuse prevention is to stop it from happening in the first place, but the solutions are as complex as the problem.

Much of the prevention process depends upon the person’s residence and living status (e.g., living at home, residing in a nursing home, healthy and strong, having health conditions, having cognitive difficulties, etc.). So, I advise people to learn as much as possible about prevention from the CDC, NCOA, as well as sites such as agingcare.com and centerforpreventionofabuse.org.

Be Prepared

Forgiving a family member, close friend, etc., for abusing us is a personal decision.

I am a Christian, and I find it very easy to forgive. Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness does not mean that we put ourselves in harm’s way. Forgiveness does not mean that we do not set boundaries. Forgiveness simply means that we remove hate, anger, and other soul-destroying feelings from our hearts and mind.

A part of setting boundaries is taking care of ourselves, and that includes being prepared ‘just in case’ we might be subjected to an abusive situation. I have learned that abusers can apologize profusely, and then they repeat their abusive actions and behavior.

I put together a ‘red letter contact list’ (phone numbers) to help me be prepared for any abusive or threatening situation:

  1. Two people that I will text a code to (if I am unable to call 911 or a local emergency number). These people are instructed to call the authorities for me, with no additional prompts from me.
  2. 911 or call the local county sheriff’s office phone number
  3. Local District Attorney’s office (for forms to complete a protective order)
  4. Local Elder Abuse 800 number
  5. Local Legal Aid phone number (protective order, restraining order, additional advice, etc.)
  6. Secure the locks and have additional physical safety devices on-hand (Stop them in their tracks!)
restraining order

Many of us hesitate to report that we are abused by a loved one, but if we never take the first step to stop the abuse, it may continue.

The Enlightened Mindset provides some clear-cut advice about restraining orders, as well as the filing and court hearing process.

“Overall, getting a restraining order is an important step in protecting yourself from harm or harassment. It is important to understand the process and know what to expect. With the right approach, you can get a restraining order quickly and safely.”

Know that getting a restraining order is not limited to the abuser’s physical behavior. Depending upon your state law, you may be able to obtain a restraining order based on the form of emotional and psychological abuse. Womens.Law.org explains, “Certain emotionally abusive acts may, in fact, qualify you for an order. For example, if an abuser threatens you or continually texts or calls you repeatedly without reason to do so, this could be considered enough to grant an order…Some states also recognize emotionally abusive acts as crimes, such as threats or public disturbances, for example.”

online harassment

Some online harassment, including doxing (or doxxing: publishing private information about the individual on the internet, with malicious intent), using electronic communication that causes fear of death or serious bodily injury, and even if the attempt is only to cause emotional distress (abuse!), can be punishable by law.

Learn more about this at The Reeves Law Group, Fact or Fiction: Doxing Someone Can Get You Arrested.

“Most victims of doxing should also look to their state law. Much of the conduct that is considered “doxing” may fall under multiple state laws relating to cyber-stalking, stalking, harassment, threats, or extortion (e.g., threatening to make information public if money is not paid). A doxer can also be charged if he illegally obtained the data about his victim, such as from protected government databases.”

Wrapping it Up

I hope your life is free from any abusive situations.

Have you experienced adult abuse? I welcome you to share your tips and thoughts in the comments.

Gaslighting | You Are Too Sensitive

My husband lied to me. In fact, I am sure he is cheating on me. It hurts. I tried to talk with him to explain how much it devastates me, but he replied, “You are too sensitive.” I know that I have a soft heart. I want my relationship to work out. I want to do what is right. Why do I feel so confused? Am I too sensitive – could he be right?

If this scenario hits home with you, you might be a victim of gaslighting.

What is Gaslighting

Feeling sensitive to something that we should have emotions for, like trauma or relationship issues, is a sign that we are mentally healthy. This is not what a narcissistic person wants us to believe so they use a form of manipulation called gaslighting in an attempt to convince us otherwise. Gaslighting is typically emotional abuse that leads the victim away from their own reality, i.e., questioning “Am I too sensitive? Could he be right? I am confused! I feel like I am losing my mind.”

Is Gaslighting Emotional Abuse?

Is gaslighting always emotional abuse? No, but gaslighting is always manipulative.

Do you know someone that refuses to be wrong? This person might be self-centered, and they might believe that everyone should like/feel/believe what they do, but they might not entirely have a narcissistic personality. They may possess empathy. So, when this person wants to prove themselves right, they might resort to gaslighting, “You are crazy to not believe in this!” While this is an example of manipulative language, it typically is said out of an emotional reaction versus intentional, and it is not used as a tool to mess with a person’s mental reality (i.e. emotionally abusive).

Typically, emotionally abusive gaslighting terms are used to validate a narcissist’s own behavior and to deflect the blame onto their victim.

Common Gaslighting Terms

Here are some common gaslighting statements similar to “You are too sensitive”:

Highly Sensitive People (HSP)

There is a personality trait called HSP (highly sensitive people), studied by Dr. Elaine Aaron, and other professionals. HSP is not a disorder or a condition. It is thought that people (compared to non-sensitive people in the general population) with HSP have an increased or deeper central nervous system that is extremely sensitive to physical, emotional, or social stimuli. Studies have not pinpointed the cause of HSP, but it is thought to comprise 15-20% of the population.

If your sensitivity disrupts your day, or if it leaves you dysfunctional, seek professional help – seek a therapist or a counselor. I am not suggesting that everyone that feels sensitive needs to seek therapy. There is a huge difference between having a big heart versus struggling with the ability to behave or react appropriately because you are too sensitive.

Develop an Awareness to Combat Gaslighting

The best way to combat gaslighting is to develop a higher awareness of what is being said. What does the narcissist’s gaslighting really mean? What are they really saying/thinking?

I am not suggesting that you sit around and think about gaslighting 24/7, but I am suggesting that you process it when it happens. Go beyond the surface. What are they really saying/thinking? What is the true meaning behind their statements that I am too sensitive? What are they trying to accomplish by saying this to me?

Develop a mindset that denotes, “Yes, I am hurting. These (gaslighting) statements do go straight to my core, but to grasp what is really going on, I must unravel the truth.” Once you determine the truth, your (realistic and healing) work begins.

What To Do (when You Are Gaslit with “You are too sensitive”)

Ask yourself the question, are you too sensitive? In complete reality, should you be upset, or is it reasonable in your circumstances to feel upset?

Again, take a look at what the person gaslighting you is really saying. What are they trying to accomplish by saying you are overly sensitive? Are they attempting to contort reality?

As you ask yourself these questions, I want you to let go of any desire to be right or wrong. It does not matter if you are right or wrong. There is no need to argue.

Ask you dig in and ask these questions, pay attention to your level of sensitivity but do not accuse yourself of being oversensitive. Allow yourself to feel anything that you are feeling – do not block your feelings. Do not brush your feelings under a rug. Denial is not healthy, and it doesn’t get you anywhere.

Intuition is a great tool. When something feels wrong, it typically is wrong. So, when you feel a sense of hurt, shock, abandonment, or frustration over someone’s behavior, lack of empathy, or gaslighting, have some compassion for yourself.

Healing reality will set in once you allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, and you accept that the gaslighter’s behavior is wrong.

Talk to Others

One of the worst things that you can do is to not talk with others about your circumstances.

It can be difficult to step out and talk with others, especially if you are doubting yourself, and if you do not know who to trust. But, the longer you hold the issue that you are having inside, the longer it takes to heal, and the more difficult it becomes to sort it out – it simply becomes overwhelming.

Who can you talk to? A trusted friend, a mental health professional, or a life coach. If you cannot afford to hire a relationship life coach, consider hiring one that is still in training. Coaches who are in training are often looking for clients, and are willing to coach pro-bono or at a deep discount.

Join a local or online support group. Look for groups that keep your identity private and anonymous.

You might consider Meetup.com. Most groups meet once a month and many meet in private and safe areas. Check out this page for Emotional Abuse groups on Meetup.com (and then, narrow your search down to groups in your local community). 

Action Step - Prayer Time for Women:

I want you to see the truth - how God sees you!

I want you to continue to pray if you are in an abusive situation. Abuse is never okay. 

Psalms 120-134 touched my heart. They were sung by people as they traveled to the temples for annual feasts. Each psalm points to a step along the journey in a distant land in hostile surroundings. (If you are in the midst of manipulative gaslighting by a narcissist, you are also in a hostile situation.)

Here are a couple of the psalms that particularly spoke out to me:

Psalm 120:7
I am for peace; but when I speak, they are for war. 

Psalm 121:1-2
I lift up my eyes to the mountains - where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

Heavenly Father, 

These psalms lifted my heart. They spoke to me as if my name were written on them. 

I am for peace, but the one that troubles me is not. As I decipher his words, the words that sting my heart, please help me to have the wisdom that I need to keep my feet on the path that you have designed for me. Help me to be the one that you created me to be - not one that desires to fulfill an evil role. 

My help comes from you, and you alone. Even when the help comes from the mouth of man, it is still help carried through a message from you. I am grateful for this!

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

(If you refer to yourself as being Christian, and even if you do not, I hope you find "Prayer Time for Women" helpful.)

Disclaimer: This blog provides general information and discussions about coaching, aromatherapy, and related subjects. The information and other content provided in this blog, or any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment.

If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something that you have read on this blog or in any linked materials. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services immediately.

The opinions and views expressed on this blog and website have no relation to those of any academic, hospital, health practice, or other institution.

Why People Do Not Believe the Victims (of Narcissistic Abuse)

Dealing with abuse from a narcissist is difficult enough for a victim, but it often feels much more overwhelming after the emotionally abused soul shares their situation with someone that they feel they can trust—only to discover that they are not believed. Why does this happen?

In my experience, these are the five most common reasons that victims of narcissistic abuse are not believed:

1. Narcissists Defend Narcissists

Narcissists are on guard and prepared to defend their innocence, and they typically defend the behavior of others who have narcissistic tendencies.

You have likely heard the adage it takes one to know one. Narcissists do not always tolerate self-centered behavior in others, but in defense and support of their behavior, they are more tolerant.  

It is human nature to seek peers who possess like-minded behaviors, beliefs, and values—narcissistic or not!

2. Double Character of a Narcissist

Narcissists are skilled at playing cool. To the outside world, they appear as charming and loving people, yet they are classically an entirely different character behind closed doors. The world sees the good person but seldom sees the abuser, leaving victims of emotional abuse misunderstood and doubted.

Narcissists thrive on feeling special, as this is their driving force in life. To protect this model of life, they lie, cheat, and they steal their victim’s innocence to use as their own.

Twisting the story is a way of life for a narcissist. They are good at it. They perfect this skill to the degree that people have difficultly believing the victim because the narcissist appears to be a person of good character.

3. Emotional Victim

The mental strain that people experience when they are under the duress of manipulative abuse is monumental. When victims are in these relationships for a length of time, especially years and decades, it can play havoc on their sense of reality and emotions. As a result, some victims can appear to be emotional, meaning, their feelings are easily stirred up and displayed.

Sadly, these emotional victims are often confused, and yes, heartbroken. They have spent much of their time trying to hold their relationship, family, and themselves together, and sometimes they have no idea what they are dealing with (narcissism). Depression, anxiety, trauma, and grief play a toll on the victim, and this is often misunderstood and becomes the point of blame of the narcissist and/or others.

4. Two Sides to Every Story Belief

Have you heard the popular saying that there are two sides to every story? In many relationships, this may ring true, but not so much in a relationship involving a narcissist.

The two sides to every story mindset leads people to blame the victim for the abuse. Love relationships require give and take, mostly give and forgive, but, a narcissist sees life as one-way only, with the arrow pointing to themselves. This situation often holds the victim back from seeking help, or from exposing abusive behavior for fear that they will not be believed.

5. Narcissists Blame the Victim

Narcissists often blame their target for the abusive behavior, “They had to have done something wrong,” or, “They brought that upon themselves.” They often accuse the victim of lying, “They are the abuser, not me!” or, “I am the one being mistreated/neglected!”

Blame-shifting is a common tool used by a controlling person to dodge responsibility for their behavior.

Unfortunately, gaslighting is also a significant tool used by manipulative people to shift blame and to cause the target to question their judgment or reality, and this can lead the victim to feel as if nobody will believe their story if they should tell it.

Some common gaslighting terms:

  • You are crazy
  • You are too sensitive
  • You made that up
  • Are you losing your mind?
  • I never said/did that
  • Nobody will ever believe you
  • Everybody knows that you have a problem

Our Role in This

Only .5 to 1 percent of the general population, and 50-75 percent are men, is diagnosed with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). With this being said, people with narcissistic traits and behaviors are much more common than those diagnosed with the disorder.

Our role in this is to spread the word about emotional abuse. We must define what it looks it, so victims understand that it has a name and that they are not alone in the world with someone acting the part of a narcissist.

It isn’t about finger-pointing, “They are a narcissist!” That does not work. It is about helping others (the targets) know what the markers are, and what they can do to heal. In three short words – we must educate!

Action Step: Prayer Time for Women:

For the Lord gives wisdom, from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. (Proverbs 2:6 NIV)

Heavenly Father, 

In my eyes, wisdom is greater than a gift of gold and silver. With wisdom, I am empowered to make good use of my knowledge, my mind, and the actions that I take. 

So many are suffering in this world from abusive behavior, and it only seems to be growing worse. Today, I ask for a helping of wisdom, knowledge, and understanding so that I can help others who are facing difficulties in life. 

In Jesus' Name, 

Amen

To help others - pray for wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. If you are in an abusive situation - pray for clarity, and for God to show you his desires for your life. Pray for safety. Pray for steadfastness, in his name. Seek, knock, believe and find!

Disclaimer: This blog provides general information and discussions about coaching, aromatherapy, and related subjects. The information and other content provided in this blog, or in any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment.

If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something that you have read on this blog or in any linked materials. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services immediately.

The opinions and views expressed on this blog and website have no relation to those of any academic, hospital, health practice, or other institution.

Forgiveness | Forgiving a Narcissist

Forgiveness is a tough subject for many people. It is frequently misunderstood.

What is the definition of the word forgive? Per Mirriam-Webster, the definition of forgive is 1) to cease to feel resentment against (an offender), 2a) to give up resentment of or claim to requital, b) to grant relief from payment of.

Requital is giving something in return, or in compensation of. This means that when we are in complete forgiveness, we release the person we are forgiving from owing us anything.

In simple language, forgiveness is an act of letting it go, and the ‘it’ in this is anger, hate, malice, and the desire to be compensated for whatever behavior or act we are forgiving.

Forgiveness Initiates Healing

In this blog, we are focusing on the forgiveness of narcissistic and/or emotional abuse that we have been subjected to, which is typically difficult to forgive. Healing, however, becomes obtainable once we release and forgive toxicity.

Non-Forgiveness is Destructive

Non-forgiveness can be harmful. When we do not forgive, we harbor certain feelings and emotions, such as hurt, shock, anger, and frustration, all of which can eat away at our mental and physical well-being.

When we forgive, we release toxicity from our minds. When we forgive, we choose peace.

Forgiveness is a Choice (to Release)

Forgiveness is a choice. It requires thought and action.

Forgiveness does not validate abusive or manipulative behavior. When we forgive, we are not saying that narcissistic behavior is okay, instead, we pardon any or all maltreatments that we may have experienced and we no longer expect anything in return from the narcissist.

Giving Grace

Forgiveness may sound like we are giving grace, and in many ways, I feel that is a chunk of it. I believe, both humanely and biblically, that we must love regardless of behavior.

Loving does not mean that we subject ourselves to more abuse, quite the opposite. We give grace, release any hate or malice that we may have held in our heart, which gets us into position to pray for the person, and to be who we need to be as we walk in life (without any bitterness, or spreading of toxicity to others).

We pray because everyone is worthy of healing. Whether or not an abuser heals is not our decision to make. We pray that our response reflects love, but that does not mean that we subject ourselves to harm and/or additional abusive emotional or physical situations.

We give grace because God gives us grace, and we honor each other as human beings regardless of any choices that we have made in life. We give grace out of courteous goodwill.

Notice how grace looks nothing like hate or malice?

Anger and Frustration is Okay for a Time

It is okay to feel anger for a time, and short-term feelings of frustration can be healthy. It is okay to experience these emotions and feelings as long as we do not let them destroy us.

We learn much from feelings of anger and frustration. Both etch into our awareness the need for change in our lives. For example, it could be time to instill physical or mental boundaries. When we recognize anger and frustration in ourselves, we become grounded in reality.

Saying I Forgive You to a Narcissist

If you tell a narcissist that you have forgiven them, they may lash out in anger. They may gaslight you, i.e., “You are crazy!” “You are out of your mind!” “You are the one that needs to be forgiven.” “You are the abuser!”

Narcissists typically do not take responsibility for their behavior, and if they do acknowledge their behavior, they will justify it. So, they do not easily accept offers of forgiveness, and they respond with, “What do you mean you forgive me? I have not done anything wrong.”

If a narcissistic or emotionally abusive person in your life pushes back at your forgiveness, continue to forgive. This means you will continue to heal, and you are one step closer to a sense of peace. It may not happen today, but it will happen. Remember, you must take care of yourself. You have to release toxicity. You must let it go.

Self-Care and Kindness

Another aspect of forgiveness is to allow yourself self-care. You allow kindness towards both yourself and others. But how does this look different than grace?

Self-care is much different than grace in the respect that we must not give so much of ourselves that we run dry. We must remember that we cannot fix another person ourselves. Only that person (and God) can set healing in place if the narcissist confesses to and accept that their behavior is wrong and that they also seek and agree to professional help.

Remember, professional treatment seldom helps a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Read more on this topic here.

If you are codependent, you may lack healthy boundaries. You may fail to recognize that you are not responsible for the happiness of others in your life. This may often lead you to want, or feel responsible for the fixing of others in your life. When you cannot help, it can feel like your vital air supply is cut off. This may lead you to forgo self-care, to completely give everything that you have to a relationship or a person that emotionally is unable to give back, leaving you high and dry with nothing.

Read more about codependency here.

This is a tough situation, but you must let it go. You must forgive. You must take care of yourself. Feel whatever you are feeling for a short time, recognize when you are healing, and peace will follow.

One last, but most important thing — abuse is never right, and abuse is never okay.

Action Step - Prayer Time for Women:


"For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." (Matthew 6:14 NIV)

Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. (Psalm 32:1 NIV)

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? UP to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." (Matthew 18:21-22 NIV)

Heavenly Father, 

Sometimes, the abuse that I experienced rears up and bites back. I work hard to look upwards and not bend as I feel myself starting to sway here and there in the emotional winds. 

There is nothing more important in my life than you, Father. I praise you for forgiving me even when I sin. I praise you for loving me unconditionally. 

Please check my heart for any hidden malice or unforgiveness that may hold me back from healing, and may lead me to sin. Please guard my heart so my response to others is pure and reflects you despite any onslaught or abusive nature. 

Today, I pray specifically for _____________ . You are the healer, Father, I am only your daughter. It is not my job to fix or heal anyone...this comes from only you. 

In Jesus' Name,

Amen


Pray for forgiveness of sins. Pray for strength. Pray for the healing of others. Pray for those that strike against you. Pray for wisdom. Pray for God to clean your heart of any unforgiveness or malice that you may hold towards others. Remember, prayer — seek, knock, believe, and you will find.

Disclaimer: This blog provides general information and discussions about coaching, aromatherapy, and related subjects. The information and other content provided in this blog, or in any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment.

If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something that you have read on this blog or in any linked materials. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services immediately.

The opinions and views expressed on this blog and website have no relation to those of any academic, hospital, health practice, or other institution.

What is an Empath? | The Dynamics of an Empath/Narcissistic Relationship

What exactly is an empath? Mirrian Webster defines an empath as one who experiences the emotions of others, and a person who has empathy for others.

Some descriptions of empaths mention paranormal abilities, but an empath is not a mind reader. An empath cannot pick up on what someone else is thinking.

Empaths Feel the Emotions of Others

In my own position (I am an empath), an empath feels the emotions and feelings of others, and they can feel this emotion as if it were part of their own experience. Someone’s pain becomes an empaths pain. Someone’s joy because an empaths joy.

The danger in picking up on the emotions of others is that these feelings can easily be absorbed. Unless an empath has matured, i.e., they have developed an awareness of their ability to sense the emotions of others, and has developed mindfulness to block what they are picking up on, they can end up feeling tossed around due to whatever is going on in other’s feelings and emotions.

This awareness takes work, and what it equates to is feeling the emotions of others only momentarily, without letting it sink in under the skin. In other words, the empath develops the ability and mindset to say, “They own that (feeling/emotion). It is theirs, not mine.”

Empaths Can Appear Sensitive

Empaths can appear to be sensitive people if they allow the feelings of others to change their trajectory in day-to-day life.

The question that I like to present to empaths is, do you use this ability maturely, or do you allow it to wreck your life?

Empaths Have Strong Intuition

Empaths have intense intuition. They have gut feelings about people that others may not have.

An empath can sense danger or a dark side in a person. An empath can sense when someone is not being genuine. Empaths can see right through a fake persona. This can feel frustrating, alarming, and sometimes, depending upon the situation, hurtful to an empath.

Empaths are Often Introverted

Empaths and introversion are personality characteristics that frequently go hand in hand.

This means that most empaths love people. They are huggers. They adore seeing people that they have not seen for a while. Empaths cherish hearing that life is not only okay for others, but excellent, but after a period of small talk, it becomes tiring. The empath feels fatigued and is ready to head home, shut the door, and recharge.

This is quite the opposite of an extrovert—a person that feels drained or feels as if they hit bottom when they are running on a deficit of social interactions.

Empaths are Frequently Targets of Narcissists

Narcissists are drawn to empaths because they seek a person with a big sensitive heart which enables them to initially love bomb/manipulate/groom the target.

The big question is, how in the world can an empath NOT pick up on the narcissist’s dark side? The answer is remarkably simple. A vulnerable empath may feel starved for a trusting connective relationship, which leads them to absorb the narcissist’s early attempts in the relationship. In other words, they are blind-sided due to their vulnerabilities and craving for love.

An empath may not pick up on the intensity of the initial relationship with the narcissist until they are drawn completely in, and then they experience overwhelm. The overwhelm fogs the empaths perception at that point.

Once the empath picks up on the stark cold reality from the emotions and feelings of the narcissist, it can be particularly heartbreaking, shocking, and confusing.

What an Empath Can Do To Heal from, or Navigate, a Narcissistic Relationship

Therapy, Counseling, or Coaching. I always recommend therapy and/or professional counseling when a client needs deep healing. Coaching is also an option, to help the client get back on their feet…but coaching does not involve therapy. We are not therapists or counselors.

Mindset and Mindfulness. The development of mindset and mindfulness is key to healing from a manipulative or emotionally abusive relationship. If the empath chooses to remain in the relationship, both of these areas will help the empath to set boundaries that will help to protect their own emotional and mental well-being.

What do mindset and mindfulness look like in dealing with a relationship with a narcissist?

  • Recognize when the narcissist’s emotions and feelings are invading your space and your thoughts. Recognize when your heart feels as if it is breaking, or when you feel completely drained, that your emotions may be multiplied not because of your own thoughts, but because of the intensity of the narcissist’s feelings and emotions.
  • Remember that YOU must spiritually and mentally take care of yourself. Narcissists believe that their interests hold the most importance in life.
  • Recognize and believe that you are worthy of being loved and respected in a relationship, and learn to call any/all abuse by its name a.b.u.s.e.!
  • Develop an awareness. Look deep into yourself. What feelings of your own are you sweeping under the rug? What are you not allowing in your life that you, as a human, deserve and need?
  • Be honest with yourself. Are you trying to fulfill your need for a loving relationship with a narcissist who may be more interested in controlling you, or in fulfilling his own needs?
  • Are you looking for approval? Are you trying to do ‘everything right’ in the relationship to gain respect and love from your emotionally unavailable partner?

Ask Yourself These Important Questions

Are you honoring your needs today? Are you taking care of yourself? (You may have a big heart, but your needs matter!)

Are you allowing yourself time to think? (Time to be alone, to think and recharge your ‘batteries.’)

If you are in a relationship with a person who displays narcissistic behavior, are you setting limits and boundaries that help protect you from the weight and onslaught of any manipulative attempts?

Have you developed a boundary system that projects, “These are their feelings and emotions, not mine.”? 

Action Step: Prayer Time for Women:

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. (Proverbs 4:23 NIV)

Heavenly Father,

You have given me this incredible ability to love and to sense the emotions of others. I am so grateful for this ability, but today I ask you to help me guard my heart. I ask you to grow my wisdom and strength so that I do not turn to the left, nor the right, and that I only keep my heart and intentions on you, and not on the thoughts and opinions of people. 

Help me to focus on spiritual things that are of you, and not of this world. 

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Pray for strength. Pray for wisdom. Pray for discernment. Remember that prayer is comprised of 4 parts  — seek, knock, believe, and you will find.

Disclaimer: This blog provides general information and discussions about coaching, aromatherapy, and related subjects. The information and other content provided in this blog, or any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment.

If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something that you have read on this blog or in any linked materials. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services immediately.

The opinions and views expressed on this blog and website have no relation to those of any academic, hospital, health practice, or other institution.

Codependency | Codependent in a Narcissistic Relationship

helping hands (codependent in a narcissistic relationship)

In this blog we are focusing on codependency, or a codependent in a narcissist relationship, but not so much codependent relationships. We will talk about that in a future blog.

What is Codependency (Codependent)?

The definition of codependency (via Oxford Languages): Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

In my experience, this ‘illness or addiction’ that a codependent may support in others, includes the bolstering of narcissistic behaviors.

Codependency in a relationship often affects a person’s innate ability to have a healthy relationship. These relationships can look good from the outside looking in, while the codependent typically silently struggles to maintain the relationship that is one-sided (i.e., with a narcissist), manipulative, and frequently is emotionally toxic and/or abusive.

If you are codependent you may feel as if you must keep others happy, and this comes at a price, a risk, and most often a sacrifice to your own needs and peace in life.

Codependents Lack Healthy Boundaries

If you are codependent, you may lack healthy boundaries.

You may fail to recognize that you are not responsible for the happiness of others in your life.

If you are codependent you may have poor self-esteem, and this may lead you to feel that your sole purpose is to please others. Your self-esteem dips if or when you cannot help others. This typically happens when the codependent is rejected (i.e., someone refuses their help), or when the codependent cannot help a person or a situation for whatever reason (life happens). To a codependent, the inability to step in and fix or help is like cutting off a vital air supply.

Codependent Caretaker Role

If you are codependent, your lack of self-esteem may lead you to feel miserable when someone you care for is not happy. This typically initiates feelings of guilt, or a sense of personal responsibility, and it can stir up an overwhelming desire for you to caretake.

Codependency and caretaking is a mentally and emotionally unhealthy mix.

In a narcissistic relationship, codependents feed the narcissist’s need for attention, admiration, and control. The codependent loses out in life as their needs are buried and ignored in this relationship…a relationship that does not contain a healthy and loving dose of give and take. In a codependent/narcissistic relationship, one constantly battles and seeks being fed from the other.

Do you know someone that you resist sharing your life challenges with? You avoid because you do not want them (the codependent) to jump in with unsolicited advice, or to get in their car and be on your doorstep immediately? Or to research your problem (online) and come up with various diagnoses, or multiple ways to ‘fix’ you? It is as if this codependent person doesn’t believe you have a mind of your own. As an adult, you more than likely want to take care of yourself, but as a human, you are social, and you want to share how you feel, however, you avoid sharing your problems with someone with codependent traits.

Unhealthy Emotional Responses

A codependent’s emotional response to everyday situations is often more intense compared to others. This typically results in feelings of hurt, rejection, and defensiveness. This is exasperated as others push away from the codependent in the light that they are ‘not dependent upon his/her help.’

Codependents lose touch with their own wants and needs as they maintain a focus to please others. This is not the normal ‘I have your back, my friend,’ retainage of a relationship, instead, the codependent’s mental well-being takes last place in life with no healthy boundaries.

Woven into a codependent’s lack of healthy boundaries (i.e., ‘I must take care of others, or I do not exist) is a craving for closeness with others, as well as an interesting holding back and hiding of their own emotions and feelings to avoid rejection and conflict, which leaves major holes in the building of healthy relationships.

Dependency vs Codependency

As humans, we all need each other. We are social beings. This is a shared need. We need people, a support system who listens and is here for us.

We are all mentally ‘dependent,’ to a degree. Some of us are introverts (needing a lesser amount of interaction), and some are extroverts (needing a greater amount of interaction), but our mental health is boosted by human involvement despite our personality traits.

Self-worth for a codependent is often dependent upon hearing about other’s needs, which can (consciously or not) deliver a boost to the codependent’s ego, or their sense of mental well-being, as the empty spot (needing to help others) is filled.

Fear of abandonment frequently plays into mental dependency. This particular fear often stems from traumatic childhood events like divorce, death, and abuse. (If this describes you, please seek professional mental health care. There is nothing wrong with seeking help. There is NO shame in taking care of YOU!)

Do you know the difference between dependent and codependent? I love this description (from MedicalNewsToday) – Dependent: Both people can express their emotions and needs and find ways to make the relationship beneficial for both of them. Codependent: One person feels that their desires and needs are unimportant and will not express them. They may have difficulty recognizing their own feelings or needs at all.

A dependent can be one or both partners in a relationship, and both partners can express their emotions and needs. A codependent is one person in a relationship who will not express their emotions and needs, and may not recognize that they have their own feelings or needs at all.

Help for a Codependent

How do you help yourself with traits of codependency?

You can seek counseling or therapy. Bear with me as I repeat myself, there is nothing wrong with seeking help. There is NO shame in taking care of YOU! Know that coaches have wonderful listening ears, and we are trained an experienced at helping you get from point A to point B, but if that involves helping you fix something therapeutically from your past, we stick with our code of ethics and send you to someone licensed to provide treatment.

Beyond counseling or therapy, what can you do for your codependency traits?

Openly talk with others in your support system. Your support system should be people that you can trust. People that listen without judging. People that unconditionally care for you and will be honest with you. People that do not release your confidential personal business.

The biggest gain you will receive through talking with others is that you release your emotions and your needs, desires, and wants. You are not burying your emotions and needs as you might (often do) when you only tend to the needs of others. You take care of yourself when you do this!

Develop a mindset of awareness. Know when you are putting the needs of others in front of your own emotions and needs. Develop an awareness of when you are neglecting your own mental and physical health.

Set boundaries. Set healthy boundaries that will ensure you avoid pleasing others when you are at the point of ignoring and sacrificing yourself.

Set boundaries that ensure you are aware of when you are over-responding emotionally (feeling hurt, rejected, or defensive). Note, you have to develop an awareness of these things before you can set boundaries.

The boundaries sound like this: I can do what I can do for her/him, but if I cannot help, I will not feel (hurt, rejected, defensive), because I know that I do the best that I can do in life! I am worthy of taking care of myself!

Your boundaries (to avoid codependency trails) look like an internal alarm system. When the door opens (I feel hurt, I feel compelled to help, or compelled to run and ‘fix’ someone else’s situation), the internal alarm goes off. The boundary involves shutting the door when your need to help others is greater than taking care of yourself. When the door shuts, you are left to take care of your mental and physical health (and that is more than OKAY).

Take Care of You

Love yourself. Sometimes we experience abuse or toxic relationships, and we don’t understand what is mentally happening to us until much later. So, give yourself grace, patience, and again, love yourself.

One last, but most important thing — abuse is never right, and abuse is never okay.

I would love for you to share your story in the comments. The more we share, the more we can help others. Have you had experiences in life a codependent, or have you personally dealt with traits of codependency? What steps did you take to heal? 

Action Step: Prayer Time for Women:

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. (Ephesians 2:8-9)

Heavenly Father, 

Please forgive the sinful times I have put others before you. I have been weak in taking care of myself. This vessel and mind that you have given me in life have been neglected. I seek increased wisdom so that I will know when to help others, and when to simply love through listening. I realize my entry into heaven is not dependent upon my 'good works,' but it is dependent upon my faith, my belief and acceptance of you, as well as my sheer obedience. Help me to strengthen as a saint...to be obedient to you, and not to the worldly ways of man. 

In Jesus' Name, 

Amen

Pray for healing. Pray for help. Pray for forgiveness of sins. Pray for wisdom. Remember, prayer — seek, knock, believe, and you will find.

Disclaimer: This blog provides general information and discussions about coaching, aromatherapy, and related subjects. The information and other content provided in this blog, or in any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment.

If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something that you have read on this blog or in any linked materials. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services immediately.

The opinions and views expressed on this blog and website have no relation to those of any academic, hospital, health practice, or other institution.

You Want to Explain Yourself (In Your Defense) to a Narcissist?

www.maryhumphreycoaching.com dealing with a narcisssist

Life with an emotionally abusive partner, or a narcissist, is more than difficult to manage. It can sap our energy, and it can be unbelievably frustrating when we try to ‘right’ the heavy situations when our partner either makes his/her side of the story up, or they accuse us of saying or doing something that they have fabricated.

The scenario often looks like this: The narcissist in your life accused you of something you KNOW you did not say or do. You want to defend yourself because 1) the accusation is false, 2) you aren’t crazy, 3) you are not the person the narcissist made you out to be, 3) you feel as if you have been locked into a prison cell with ‘guilty as charged’ stamped on your forehead. The judge and the jury (the narcissist), however, did not give you a fair trial in which you were able to prove your innocence. You have been signed, stamped, and delivered (locked up, and the key has been thrown away). What do you do now?

You want to explain yourself in your own defense (to the narcissist)? I ended my sentence purposely with a question mark. You may want to explain yourself until your innocence is proven, but is that feasible? Typically, not when you are dealing with a narcissist.

Explaining yourself to a narcissist in an attempt to defend your own innocence is usually a futile endeavor. Why is it ineffectual? Because narcissists:

  1. are wired to be on the defense
  2. are grandiose in their view of self
  3. see no wrong in their behaviors
  4. do not listen
  5. are determined to make themselves look right
  6. make you out to be the abuser
  7. project blame onto you
  8. manipulate, gaslight, and drum up anxiety and doubt in you (i.e., dismantle your self-confidence and self-esteem)
  9. intend to be the ‘top dog,’ getting want they want in life, and typically because they feel that they deserve it

Narcissists are invested in their own lies and manipulative and deceptive practices. The profit that they intend to glean from their investment is complete control of you (their victim). 

I understand the feeling of whole-heartedly wanting to prove your innocence, or to ensure the story that the narcissist conveys to others does not falsely drag you down into the dirt, so how do you stop the narcissist? How do you defend yourself? You don’t, but you can try several methods (boundary setting and going gray rock) that involve changing yourself to protect your mental well-being.

Boundary Setting

Boundaries include both mental and physical barriers and dividing lines.

Create a mental boundary that involves awareness. You are aware that the narcissist is trying to manipulate you, and you are fully aware that you cannot change their behavior.

What the narcissist does not realize is that you are aware of their emotional abuse, and in setting this mental boundary, they cannot touch your sanity, your self-esteem, nor your personal beliefs. You own who you are, how you think, your core values, and how you operate your life accordingly. You are calm. You respond ‘to the point,’ but always in a calm manner. You make no attempt to prove your story or innocence.

Is this easy to do? No, it takes practice. It is like weight lifting. You cannot hold a heavy object up in the air for long periods of time until you have built up the muscles to do so. With a narcissist, you must build your mental muscles up in order to cope.

Create a ‘civil treatment’ boundary that may help to deter verbal abuse. It sounds like this…with calm and to-the-point conviction, “When you are ready to discuss this in a civil and reasonable manner, we can return to talking about this.”

Leave out any acknowledgment of the narcissist’s jabbing words or manipulative attempts. Your attempt is to ignore all of that. You are the calm one in this scenario, and you are taking care of yourself!

Some narcissists rely on passive-aggressive behaviors to deal with their own insecurities, and for the same reason, they are critical and suspicious of others. You can face this type of behavior with calm, and set your own pace in life (having the friends and family that YOU deserve and want), and you can remain mentally collected as you do so.

Calm Conversation From the Battleground

Here is an example of a narcissist that frequently criticizes others, procrastinates in an attempt to keep his wife away from her family, and often utters criticism towards his wife’s family, friends, and people in general. His attempt(s) did not work in this example, and my client illustrated herself as calm, cool, collected, and to the point.

Amber’s sister invited her and her husband, Tom, to a Christmas gathering.

After several weeks had passed, Amber decided to no longer quietly wait for Tom’s response to the invitation. She calmly got straight to the point and asked Tom, “Christmas is coming up. Are we going to my sister’s house?” (Amber had mentally prepared so *she didn’t feel as if she were walking on eggshells as she approached Tom.* She was aware that Tom might react in a negative manner regardless of how she approached the subject.)

Tom sneered, “You know how your sister thinks her **** does not stink. I guess you prefer her and her family over me. You want to be just like the Joneses.” (Notice, Tom’s criticism and words that denote his lack of confidence. His words felt like a sting from a whip momentarily to Amber, but Amber turned it around and processed his words as a deep insecurity.)

Amber ignored the cutting words. She did not jab back. “I need to respond to my sister with a yes or a no. Are you going with me?” (That changed the tide. She was going to the family gathering, and this was her way to practice self-care, and to support her family despite her husband’s biting words. Tom could now make the choice to go, or not to go, but it was not his place to stop Amber from going.)

Gray Rock

Gray rock is a behavior strategy you can use to appear unresponsive and uninteresting to the narcissist. When you gray rock, you do not feed into the narcissist’s twisted needs. You go neutral. You do not show any feelings (no hurt reaction, no trying to defend yourself, no facial expressions that reflect sadness, anger, or frustration)…nothing.

Respond to the narcissist’s prods with a shrug, utter a “meh,” or a short non-committed response, such as “yes,” “no,” or, “I don’t know.”

Note, the narcissist may use your gray rock attempts against you. I use the word ‘may’ loosely, because, in my experience, they will use it against you. They typically will throw you under the bus as they feel they have lost control. They fight back with accusations that you are cold and non-supportive, just to validate that you are the problem and that they are innocent.

When a narcissist no longer feels they have to defend themselves from you (when you step back and let them live with their own behavior and thoughts), they are left to deal with their own feelings. Some narcissists will go into a rage. Some will look for other love interests. Some will start a smear campaign. Be prepared, flex your awareness muscles, and be safe!

Gray rock is used for several purposes, one is that you remain calm and that you do not feed into the narcissist’s fire, but gray rock is also a strategy with the objective being that the narcissist loses interest in you, and eventually, you are off the ’emotional abuse’ hook.

Take Care of You

Sadly, you may have wanted your relationship to look different than it does (or did) with a narcissist. I understand. We all understand.

Just remember, you have to take care of yourself. You own who you are, and nobody can steal that away from you.

Abuse is never right, and abuse is never okay.

Disclaimer: This blog provides general information and discussions about coaching, aromatherapy, and related subjects. The information and other content provided in this blog, or any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment.

If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something that you have read on this blog or in any linked materials. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services immediately.

The opinions and views expressed on this blog and website have no relation to those of any academic, hospital, health practice, or other institution.

Elements of Healing (From Narcissistic Abuse) Part 2

www.maryhumphreycoaching.com elements of healing from narcissismHealing from narcissistic abuse is a process, and it looks different for everyone because every relationship is unique, and the same goes for emotionally abusive relationships.

You may be wondering where am I with my healing?

It is impossible to determine the number of steps or elements involved with healing from emotionally abusive relationships, but I am covering 8 main components. I discussed the first 3 of these pieces in Elements of Healing (From Narcissistic Abuse) Part 1 (here).

4. Reclaim Identity

You may not be the same person you were prior to entering a relationship with a narcissist, and then, you may not want to be that same person.

When you reclaim your identity you know who you are. You know your beliefs, core values, and which direction you want and need your life to take to maintain your mental well-being. You also know how you want, and should, be treated in a relationship.

You may not want to be the same person you were prior to the emotionally draining relationship because you are now stronger, more aware of what a narcissist looks like (their tactics and behavior), and you know what you might have lacked when you locked elbows with the narcissist. As you reclaim your identity, you are either working on regaining what you (then) missed, or you solidly have it under your belt today.

5. Self-Compassion and Celebrate You

As you heal, you have compassion for yourself. You no longer blame yourself for the narcissist’s behavior. You no longer believe that if you do the right thing, or say the right thing your relationship will upright itself and the narcissist will get better. You stop laying a guilt trip on yourself for getting into the relationship.

You learn to celebrate yourself.

You do even the smallest of things for yourself. You get out and do what you love. Sometimes, when we are in the healing process, it is accompanied by financial difficulties. Go out and spend little. Go to a bargain movie, the library, a thrift store, or, buy yourself something within a small budget. Start a journal (so very therapeutic)! The point is, celebrate YOU, celebrate your accomplishments…celebrate your life!

(Celebrate Your Accomplishments. Read more here.)

(Does therapy help a person diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Read more here.)

6. Feelings May Stick Around

Know that the feelings and emotions that you have—hurt, pain, frustration, confusion, grief, shock, etc., may stick with you for a while.

Think of it as what it is, a grieving process. You have lost yourself to a relationship that you thought was ideal. You have lost the relationship with the partner that you thought was the love of your life.

When we grieve, it takes time to heal. Today, we may feel the hand of healing upon us, and then tomorrow something may trigger us to feel emotions that we thought were buried and long gone. Allow yourself to feel what you feel at the moment.

Allow yourself to acknowledge the where and the why of your feelings, but, I want you to pat yourself on the back at the same time. You are in the healing process and what you feel today is not permanent. You own your good feelings, and you own your uncomfortable feelings (they come and they go).

7. Seeking New Love Relationships

While you are healing, one of the last things that you should do is seek a new love relationship.

Give yourself time to heal. Give yourself time to recognize the milestones that you have reached in your healing. Give yourself time to understand who you are. You do not want to take the hurt, pain, or doubts, with you into a new relationship.

You may feel starved for love after any period of time with a narcissist, but love comes in many forms. The best form for you until you have healed is a friendship and not a romance.

When you give yourself time to heal, you will learn to expect what you need in life. You will expect respect in a mutually give and take relationship. You will know what is healthy for you.

8. Your Support System

You may have been in a narcissistic relationship, or in one, where you were led into isolation and for a time, you didn’t recognize it. It may have separated you from any sort of support system, leaving you to feel alone, as if you were on an island with your enormous struggles.

Especially when you are in the healing process, and this is always a human ‘need’ in life, ensure you have a support system that is made up of at least several people that you can trust and rely on.

Your support system can be friends, loved ones, or professionals that have your back. They listen with a non-judging ear. Your well-being is a priority to the people in your support system, and you are confident in your trust in them.

With a support system, you should find an honest mirroring back to you when you either thrive or slide back.

9. Speak as a Survivor

What you verbalize in life speaks volumes of how you view yourself. Are you a victim? Remember, you own who you are internally, and nobody can claim your thoughts, actions, beliefs, or core values. Are you a survivor? You may be a survivor. I hope you are! But, are you a thriver? Do you emanate a strong person that has the ability to, and/or, made your way beyond the hurdles of narcissistic abuse?

My own story (about being a victim): I was in a session with my life coach. I mentioned how angry and downgraded my boss led me to feel. He made me feel belittled, frustrated, and hurt. My life coach didn’t go easy on me, she let me know that I had adopted a victim mentality.

Victim mentality is defined by Merriam-Webster as the belief that one is always a victim: the idea that bad things will always happen to one.

I compared this definition to my (what felt like abusive) boss and how I related to his behavior. I then asked myself some questions, and these are the questions that you can ask yourself (in relation to how you feel about the emotional abuse that you have/are experiencing):

  • Am I always a victim?
  • Will bad things always happen to me?
  • Am I allowing his/her thoughts to victimize me, or am I setting mental boundaries and not claiming his/her thoughts/ideas/abusive words as the truth?
  • Am I living my life (mentally and physically) based on my own beliefs, thoughts, and core values? Or, am I mirroring a victim mentality?

My wake-up call/answer: I am NOT a victim! I have this!

Summing the Healing Process Up

The healing process is like a three-part book.

  • Part 1, the first section, you will not either understand or know what you need to heal from.
  • Part 2, page by page, your needs, wants, and well-being, as well as how to heal, arrives (gradually) from each page that you turn.
  • Part 3, you recognize your healing milestones. You recognize that you have closed one door and you have opened another. You recognize that you are breathing (an image of) fresh, clean, non-abusive air. You now feel free to enjoy your life. You trust yourself with renewed compassion. You stand on solid ground.

I hope you enjoyed this two-part series. We would love for you to share your own healing experience(s) in the comment section below.

Disclaimer: This blog provides general information and discussions about coaching, aromatherapy, and related subjects. The information and other content provided in this blog, or any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment.

If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something that you have read on this blog or in any linked materials. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services immediately.

The opinions and views expressed on this blog and website have no relation to those of any academic, hospital, health practice, or other institution.

Elements of Healing (From Narcissistic Abuse) Part 1

elements of healing from narcissistic abuse www.maryhumphreycoaching.comHealing from narcissistic abuse is a process, and it looks different for everyone because every relationship is unique, and the same goes for emotionally abusive relationships.

You may be wondering where am I with my healing?

It is impossible to determine the number of steps or elements involved with healing from emotionally abusive relationships, it may be limitless, but in this blog, I have identified 8 main components.

1. Acknowledgement and Acceptance

To acknowledge abuse, you give it a name. You call it what it is. It is not “it might be abuse.” It is not “abuse, but he/she is good to me.” It is not “Abuse, but he/she does not mean it.” It is abuse, emotional abuse. Period.

Acceptance mirrors acknowledgment. You do not make excuses for the narcissist. You do not deny that you have been abused. You accept, and you do not fight the fact that you have been abused. Abuse is never okay.

2. Set Boundaries

Boundary setting is also limitless, but when healing from narcissistic abuse, there are three main constituents important to the process.

Physical boundary. You go no contact. You put physical distance between you and the narcissist. You change your phone number. You change your social media profiles or accounts. Or, you may block the narcissist from finding you, calling you, or commenting on your social media accounts and online platforms.

Not everyone must take measures to go no contact (some narcissists will walk away without any further contact).

You may not be able to go no contact. You may be a parent with under-age children. You may share custody of your children with a narcissist. It is impossible to manage joint custody of younger children without some form of communication.

Conversational boundary. This boundary includes communicating with the narcissist, but this can be a tool to keep abusive behavior out of it. This involves making a statement to the narcissist, such as, “When you can talk in a calm and non-abusive manner, we can have a conversation about this.” Then, stick to it.

Mental boundary. There isn’t a soul on this earth that can change how you feel/think/believe. You know your own core values. You guide your life based on your beliefs and values. When/if you are being emotionally abused (and I hope never), or perhaps when something has triggered a memory of emotional abuse, let your mind go to the truth of who you are. You are not who or what the abuser says you are (see Gaslighting Narcissistic Manipulation). You are also not your thoughts. You are your beliefs and values…this is your TRUTH. You own this, and nobody can touch it!

It can be challenging to mentally put yourself in your place of truth, especially when you are in the midst of turmoil with a narcissist. It will become a habit once you practice it a number of times. It can be difficult to remain calm and to maintain a stoic facial expression, but the less emotion you display, the less you will tangle with the narcissist. The worst thing you can do is to fight back with your own defensive words. When you are defensive, it feeds the narcissistic. It validates, in the narcissist’s mind, that you are the problem and that their behavior/words/abuse is okay. Remember this, you will continue to heal as you practice this mental boundary. There will be a day in your life when you obtain and recognize healing milestones!

3. Myriad of Emotions

When healing from narcissistic emotional abuse, you feel a myriad of “normal” emotions.

Confusion sets in early in the healing process, and typically it occurs before a victim understands what they are dealing with (narcissism). Confusion sounds like, “What is going on with my relationship?”, “Why is he/she so mean and uncaring?”, “Is he/she mentally sick or unstable?”, “How did my relationship go from being a perfect love match (i.e. love bombing) to what it is today?”, “What is this? I do not understand what is going on!”

Once you work your way through the muck of confusion, the wheels of healing begin to move.

Grief (sadness, depression) is an early part of the healing process. Even though some levels of depression can be dangerous (please seek professional help if you are thinking of harming yourself, or if depression stops you from functioning in your day-to-day life), know that sporadic and brief periods of grief and sadness are normal to the healing process.

Grief comes and it goes. When it comes early in the process, it hurts because it is a loss, and it hurts ‘big.’

A client shared her story of healing and grief: She was out with her husband (a narcissist) at a shopping mall. She knew that her marriage was deeply troubled (mental abuse and adultery that the narcissist felt no shame for). The reality that her marriage might be unfixable had begun to hit her. She was walking along in the mall, in the middle of a non-stressful conversation with her husband, when a round of grief took her by surprise. She dashed into a store where she saw shelving that she could hide behind and she cried…she bent over in sheer emotional pain. When she was able to gather herself together, she returned to where the narcissist was waiting. His words were, “What is wrong with you? People are going to think you are an idiot.” Did she feel a sting from that comment? Yes, but it also validated that even though he knew that she was grieving, and why, he still chastised her for her behavior. This became one of many turning points for her to do something to regain control of her life. Devastation eventually transformed into a sense of surety.

Shock appears early in the healing process, and this where acknowledgment and acceptance are important. Shock diminishes once the abuse is called what it is. A victim may feel a sense of shock before they feel confusion, but just as often, the sense of shock, to a lesser degree, can return throughout the many stages of healing.

(As a life coach, this is my main goal, to educate others so that they recognize what they are dealing with—narcissistic emotional abuse. A person doesn’t know what they don’t know!)

Shock can take on different looks, depending upon circumstances. In the very beginning, when the victim starts to recognize the narcissist’s behavior, it can sound like this, “I am shocked. He/she acts like they do not care about my feelings. What happened?!” Later in the healing process, the victim might feel momentary shock, “How did I spend 20 years of my life with this person?”, and then the healing continues on from there.

Anger is healthy when it doesn’t get in the way of our healing. With healing, anger must be turned into forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean that we believe the abuse is okay. Forgiveness means that we have released feelings of vengeance, hate, and hurt towards a person that we feel has harmed us. If we harbor these feelings it becomes toxic. We create anxiety and pain within ourselves, and this can lead to mental and physical unwellness.

Fear is healthy as long as it is a momentary feeling. Fear is a mechanism that can keep us from physical harm. Fear alerts us that something is wrong, that we are facing ‘real’ danger! Fear is not healthy when prolonged.

You may trust the narcissist, but you may find yourself suddenly fearing them or their behavior. This is a healthy ‘warning signal’ of proposed danger. Fear speaks to us, it tells us to take action to ensure our safety.

Anxiety is never healthy. It can lead to mental and physical health problems when prolonged. Anxiety is similar to fear, except anxiety can become chronic. Anxiety is often a manifestation of perceived fear, or fear of a poorly defined threat.

Anxiety might keep a victim awake at night. Anxiety might become a barrier in the healing process. An example of how our fear-related anxious thoughts can become a barrier to healing, “I just might not ever get out of this situation with (the narcissist), what if they turn the tables on me?” These words speak of fear, doubt, and anxiety.

Paranoia is common, especially for victims that have been involved with a covert narcissist.

Covert narcissists lack self-esteem, which makes it difficult for victims to live their lives. The covert narcissist often believes that people have hidden agendas. This can manifest into stalking the victim, and it can lead to the victim developing paranoia for some time to come. The victim may continue to feel the narcissist is watching their every step, even though it might no longer ring true. Paranoia, especially when it includes distrust, can eventually dissolve as the victim heals.

(Fear, anxiety, and paranoia are OKAY for temporary periods of time. Seek professional help if you chronically experience either/or, and if it interferes with normal functioning in your daily life.)

Shame is one of the more painful aspects of healing from emotional abuse.

Shame can prevent you from opening up to others about the abuse.

Shame can prevent victims from leaving the abuser, or from acknowledging that they are a victim of abuse.

Shame keeps people in abusive relationships for years, sometimes lifetimes. Shame can lead the victim to feel that they somehow deserve the abuse, or that if they were ‘better’ the abuse would not happen.

Always remember this: You cannot change or heal the narcissist by being better…by saying the right thing, or by doing the right thing. Clinical therapeutic treatment typically does not help a person diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD (read more here). You did not cause narcissism in the abuser. Do not validate the narcissist’s behavior through your sense of shame!

I will discuss co-dependency and enabling the narcissist in future blog posts. Both of these personality types (victims) fail to recognize that abuse is wrong, and that abuse is never deserved, and each can type can blame themselves for the abuse.

Continued reading, part 2 of this blog series will be published soon. In part 2, I discuss reclaiming identity, self-compassion, celebrating you, length of healing (it may take time, and give yourself time), talk with people in your support system, and speak as a survivor, scratch that, a thriver, and NOT a victim.

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