You Want to Explain Yourself (In Your Defense) to a Narcissist? dealing with a narcisssist

Life with an emotionally abusive partner, or a narcissist, is more than difficult to manage. It can sap our energy, and it can be unbelievably frustrating when we try to ‘right’ the heavy situations when our partner either makes his/her side of the story up, or they accuse us of saying or doing something that they have fabricated.

The scenario often looks like this: The narcissist in your life accused you of something you KNOW you did not say or do. You want to defend yourself because 1) the accusation is false, 2) you aren’t crazy, 3) you are not the person the narcissist made you out to be, 3) you feel as if you have been locked into a prison cell with ‘guilty as charged’ stamped on your forehead. The judge and the jury (the narcissist), however, did not give you a fair trial in which you were able to prove your innocence. You have been signed, stamped, and delivered (locked up, and the key has been thrown away). What do you do now?

You want to explain yourself in your own defense (to the narcissist)? I ended my sentence purposely with a question mark. You may want to explain yourself until your innocence is proven, but is that feasible? Typically, not when you are dealing with a narcissist.

Explaining yourself to a narcissist in an attempt to defend your own innocence is usually a futile endeavor. Why is it ineffectual? Because narcissists:

  1. are wired to be on the defense
  2. are grandiose in their view of self
  3. see no wrong in their behaviors
  4. do not listen
  5. are determined to make themselves look right
  6. make you out to be the abuser
  7. project blame onto you
  8. manipulate, gaslight, and drum up anxiety and doubt in you (i.e., dismantle your self-confidence and self-esteem)
  9. intend to be the ‘top dog,’ getting want they want in life, and typically because they feel that they deserve it

Narcissists are invested in their own lies and manipulative and deceptive practices. The profit that they intend to glean from their investment is complete control of you (their victim). 

I understand the feeling of whole-heartedly wanting to prove your innocence, or to ensure the story that the narcissist conveys to others does not falsely drag you down into the dirt, so how do you stop the narcissist? How do you defend yourself? You don’t, but you can try several methods (boundary setting and going gray rock) that involve changing yourself to protect your mental well-being.

Boundary Setting

Boundaries include both mental and physical barriers and dividing lines.

Create a mental boundary that involves awareness. You are aware that the narcissist is trying to manipulate you, and you are fully aware that you cannot change their behavior.

What the narcissist does not realize is that you are aware of their emotional abuse, and in setting this mental boundary, they cannot touch your sanity, your self-esteem, nor your personal beliefs. You own who you are, how you think, your core values, and how you operate your life accordingly. You are calm. You respond ‘to the point,’ but always in a calm manner. You make no attempt to prove your story or innocence.

Is this easy to do? No, it takes practice. It is like weight lifting. You cannot hold a heavy object up in the air for long periods of time until you have built up the muscles to do so. With a narcissist, you must build your mental muscles up in order to cope.

Create a ‘civil treatment’ boundary that may help to deter verbal abuse. It sounds like this…with calm and to-the-point conviction, “When you are ready to discuss this in a civil and reasonable manner, we can return to talking about this.”

Leave out any acknowledgment of the narcissist’s jabbing words or manipulative attempts. Your attempt is to ignore all of that. You are the calm one in this scenario, and you are taking care of yourself!

Some narcissists rely on passive-aggressive behaviors to deal with their own insecurities, and for the same reason, they are critical and suspicious of others. You can face this type of behavior with calm, and set your own pace in life (having the friends and family that YOU deserve and want), and you can remain mentally collected as you do so.

Calm Conversation From the Battleground

Here is an example of a narcissist that frequently criticizes others, procrastinates in an attempt to keep his wife away from her family, and often utters criticism towards his wife’s family, friends, and people in general. His attempt(s) did not work in this example, and my client illustrated herself as calm, cool, collected, and to the point.

Amber’s sister invited her and her husband, Tom, to a Christmas gathering.

After several weeks had passed, Amber decided to no longer quietly wait for Tom’s response to the invitation. She calmly got straight to the point and asked Tom, “Christmas is coming up. Are we going to my sister’s house?” (Amber had mentally prepared so *she didn’t feel as if she were walking on eggshells as she approached Tom.* She was aware that Tom might react in a negative manner regardless of how she approached the subject.)

Tom sneered, “You know how your sister thinks her **** does not stink. I guess you prefer her and her family over me. You want to be just like the Joneses.” (Notice, Tom’s criticism and words that denote his lack of confidence. His words felt like a sting from a whip momentarily to Amber, but Amber turned it around and processed his words as a deep insecurity.)

Amber ignored the cutting words. She did not jab back. “I need to respond to my sister with a yes or a no. Are you going with me?” (That changed the tide. She was going to the family gathering, and this was her way to practice self-care, and to support her family despite her husband’s biting words. Tom could now make the choice to go, or not to go, but it was not his place to stop Amber from going.)

Gray Rock

Gray rock is a behavior strategy you can use to appear unresponsive and uninteresting to the narcissist. When you gray rock, you do not feed into the narcissist’s twisted needs. You go neutral. You do not show any feelings (no hurt reaction, no trying to defend yourself, no facial expressions that reflect sadness, anger, or frustration)…nothing.

Respond to the narcissist’s prods with a shrug, utter a “meh,” or a short non-committed response, such as “yes,” “no,” or, “I don’t know.”

Note, the narcissist may use your gray rock attempts against you. I use the word ‘may’ loosely, because, in my experience, they will use it against you. They typically will throw you under the bus as they feel they have lost control. They fight back with accusations that you are cold and non-supportive, just to validate that you are the problem and that they are innocent.

When a narcissist no longer feels they have to defend themselves from you (when you step back and let them live with their own behavior and thoughts), they are left to deal with their own feelings. Some narcissists will go into a rage. Some will look for other love interests. Some will start a smear campaign. Be prepared, flex your awareness muscles, and be safe!

Gray rock is used for several purposes, one is that you remain calm and that you do not feed into the narcissist’s fire, but gray rock is also a strategy with the objective being that the narcissist loses interest in you, and eventually, you are off the ’emotional abuse’ hook.

Take Care of You

Sadly, you may have wanted your relationship to look different than it does (or did) with a narcissist. I understand. We all understand.

Just remember, you have to take care of yourself. You own who you are, and nobody can steal that away from you.

Abuse is never right, and abuse is never okay.

Disclaimer: This blog provides general information and discussions about coaching, aromatherapy, and related subjects. The information and other content provided in this blog, or any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment.

If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something that you have read on this blog or in any linked materials. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services immediately.

The opinions and views expressed on this blog and website have no relation to those of any academic, hospital, health practice, or other institution.

What is a Narcissist? what is a narceissistWhen I started dating my former husband, I had never heard of the term narcissist. In fact, I stumbled across the term approximately 38 years later.

In today’s society, the title narcissist is frequently and loosely applied to self-centered people who show some traits of narcissism. People who are “ate up with themselves,” however, do not always display all of the prominent markers of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). People who are arrogant and boisterous, for example, are not necessarily narcissists—yet, they may have a few narcissistic traits in their personality.

Traits of a Narcissist

People embodied with NPD have traits that typically include manipulative tactics and forms of abuse.

They lack empathy and they go to extremes to take advantage of people. An example of this: The narcissist says, “I am so concerned for you,” as they wrap their arms around you and ask you in a coyly, “tell me what is wrong.” Later, the narcissist will use what you share with them against you, like a bullet. The narcissist picks up their gun and shoots you when you are least expecting it. You are then stunned and dead in your tracks! They use the information that they gathered from you when you were open and vulnerable to their best advantage, and at a great disadvantage to you.

Special treatment and entitlement go hand in hand in a narcissist’s mind. Regardless of how they treat you or others, a narcissist expects to be treated like a queen or a king. If they feel inconvenienced or uncomfortable in any way, they lift their own self up by striking out in a manner that belittles others, “You’re stupid,” “You do not have a heart,” “Those dumb … (fill in the blanks),” “That is for losers, and it is not for me!”

They possess grandiose ideas about themselves. Narcissists believe they are more intelligent, more successful, are better lovers, have better looks, and are more important than others. They are masters at disguise and they feel a sense of power over others.

They are insecure, envious, sensitive, and thin-skinned. Narcissists lash out at the smallest degree of criticism or personal challenge. A narcissist, for example, will verbally strike out at people that have obtained something in life that he/she has not been able to achieve. It looks like this: “Well, they have their degree. They think their *** does not stink.” “They can have ***, I think it is ugly as ***.” “They may have ***, but they aren’t cool like I am.” “I hope their house burns down,” might be their envious words when someone they know buys a new home.

My prior husband/narcissist would often say (about his own mother), “I hope she dies and rots in hell.” This was said at the spur of the moment, seemingly for no reason—but particularly when his mother experienced something good in life. When the day came that he realized I was moving on, that he no longer had control over me, she was the first person that he called. He ran me into the ground with intense exaggeration, and then she asked no questions. I then realized that she (and other family members) had joined together as a narcissist troupe well before that phone call. That was an eye-opening 5 minutes of my life!

They get what they want through interpersonally exploitive behavior. What does that mean? It means taking advantage of others to achieve what they want in life.

A narcissist uses family members, friends, and even their children to execute their plans. Narcissists are often masters at constructing their own army of supporters, and these “helpers” have a name, “flying monkeys.” Victims of narcissistic relationships can be left with confusing feelings of, “Who can I trust?”

Narcissists typically use a manipulative tactic on their victims termed “gaslighting.” In my experience, gaslighting occurs alongside all of the above traits. Gaslighting is a tool used in an attempt to convince the victim to doubt their own perception. Common gaslighting statements: “You are crazy,” “You are way too sensitive,” “If you were more loving, I wouldn’t seek out others,””You are lying,” “I didn’t say that,” “You are imagining things,” “You are sick,” “You are a fake,” and “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

Narcissists’ Difficulties in Life

Even though the narcissist can smoothly pull in their own army of flying monkeys, they often fail in certain “normal” areas of life because some people see the truth.

Employment difficulties are common with narcissists. Employers detect and don’t buy into the lies, and they also see the manipulation of others.

Failure with relationships (friends and family members) is also common with narcissists. The narcissist is excellent at pulling in their army of flying monkeys, yet, there are people that see the tactics early on in the relationship and they never allow the manipulation. In other words, they keep their distance.

Can Narcissism be Diagnosed and Treated?

There is no specific test for NPD. It is not a disease and there are no physical markers of the disorder. If the narcissist admits that they have these problems, therapy may help, but the problem is that most narcissists see the world through their own lenses—and they believe the world is the problem and that they are the victim.

Talk with Supporters

If you are a victim in a toxic relationship, I encourage you to face the truth and reach out to others for support.

I typically coach survivors of toxic narcissistic relationships. Sometimes it is difficult to later put our best foot forward and stretch ourselves to accomplish our goals in life.

But, if you need a trusting person to hear what you have to say, whether you are the victim in the relationship today, or if the victim is your loved one, or if you are a survivor … I encourage you to reach out to me.

Upcoming Posts:

Gaslighting, Flying Monkeys, Self-Centered vs. Narcissist, Empaths and Narcissism, Forgiveness vs. Boundaries

I am a Survivor (of Narcissistic Abuse)

survivior narcissismI am a survivor.

As of this month, September 2019, I am in the process of shifting the focus of my coaching to include what God taught me through personal life experience.

I had no idea what a NARCISSIST was even though I was married to one for 18 years. That relationship ended about 20 years ago. 38 years is a long time to not realize what I dealt with and to not recognize how far I had come.

I now realize that I am more than an encourager to women, which is one of my gifts, but also an encourager to survivors.

So, what brought on this shift? I give thanks to today’s technology—I read an article and watched a video which led me to realize that what I had experienced had a name—narcissism. My story is classic, so I’ve purposely kept it short and without precise detail. I am not writing this to hurt or lash out at anyone, quite the opposite. I want to encourage other women through sharing my story.

Signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

I missed the outright and typical narcissistic signs while dating my (ex) husband as he strategized and hid them well:

  • He had grandiose ideas about himself.
  • He was preoccupied with fantasies of success.
  • He had a deep need for attention and admiration.
  • He lacked empathy for others.
  • His relationships were troubled.
  • He had a sense of entitlement.
  • He envied others.

Narcissistic Signs Gradually Emerge

Each of these signs of narcissism came out gradually. They pushed through the surface in a subtle nature and snowballed in intensity as time went on.

Narcissism Victim’s State of Denial

After 18 years of marriage, I had experienced much. But, the most confusing part of it for me was my state of denial. I refused to tell anyone about the situation. I supported him and wanted my marriage to remain in-tact.

I was embarrassed, and I stopped believing in myself.

I didn’t want anyone outside of the walls of our home to know who my husband was, and nobody did. I lived one life inside my home, another life when I went to work, and another with my children present. It was a small and tightly wrapped world. I constantly looked for ways to not let the truth of narcissistic abuse show.

To this day, I do not want to go into the exact details of the mental abuse, which began to border on physical abuse. To this day, I do not want to talk about the times he got on a bus or a plane to look for “love connections,” or whatever his fantasy was that day/week/month/year. To this day, even though he is deceased, and because I refuse to live in the past, I refuse to tell the intricate details of my story. What I will tell others, as I am doing today, is that I am no longer that woman. Fooled me once. Didn’t, and won’t, fool me twice.

My Story & Why I Do What I Do

Articles such as this one posted in Healthline cover my own story to a “T”.

Am I bitter? Absolutely not. Relieved? Yes. I learned how to become the girl that I used to know, and now I’m much better. Better in the sense that I know who I am, and I know both my weaknesses and my strengths. I know what love is about. I know what love should not be.

Who helped me? God. I sought him with a vengeance, and even though I didn’t know it at first, he led me through. He has been with me all my life, of course, but I was forced into believing that I could not worship him while I was married to the narcissist. It did, indeed, take some work to feel connected in a relationship with God. Layers of evil lies had to be swept away in that effort.

I also “dated myself,” meaning, I learned who I was, and I lived with intention. I nurtured my passions and I dropped the suppressive narcissistic-applied dome of guilt and blame. I breathed.

Fast forward to today, I am remarried (to my best friend).

I own several businesses.

I have written several books and have contributed personal stories in other author’s books. I continue to write as a freelancer, and for my pleasure as well. Journaling is therapeutic, but now I don’t keep it all to myself. Sharing is caring.

I have investigated my own personality type. Per Myers & Briggs, I am an INFJ, one of the rarest of personality types (1-3% of the world’s population).

I am an introvert and an empath. Empaths frequently and unknowingly find themselves in narcissistic relationships. Once we learn the classic signs of a narcissist, we don’t get fooled again.

I also now know my God-given gifts, talents, strengths, and passions, and I focus on “why” I’ve been given these gifts, as well as the “why” of my past. All of this culminates into the “why” behind what I do today—coaching women, writing (for business, for the encouragement of others, and personal pleasure).

Final Words

So, there’s my story. Without a ton of detail…the story behind why I have shifted from coaching women going through a transition in life to women that are survivors of toxic narcissistic relationships. I am repeating what I’ve said before: If I can do this (survive and thrive), you can do this as well!