Tag: Narcissism

Self-Absorbed People Are Not Necessarily Narcissists

www.maryhumphreycoaching.com self-absorbed people

Self-absorbed people typically have similar markers to those of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), however, people who are ‘ate up with themselves’ are not necessarily narcissists. Each of these parallel personality traits has the potential to pull you down mentally and damage your self-esteem, however, narcissists typically thrive through a string of manipulative tactics—emotionally abusive tactics that someone who is simply self-centered may not be ingrained with.

Self-centered people are rooted in seeing life through their own eyes and they often fail or don’t want to make the effort to see life through your eyes. Their actions are often filled with defensive dominance.

What are the top characteristics of a self-absorbed person?

On the defensive (insecure and vulnerable) – They do not accept that they have flaws. They compare themselves to others and typically find ways to hold themselves to a level above. They fiercely fight for their own identity (we all should protect our own identity with a humble attitude), even if they are flawed or have made mistakes. When they make mistakes, they uphold themselves with gusto to preserve their image and claim innocence. They protect their point of view and often do not stop to consider yours. It feels frightening to the overt self-centered person to open up and be vulnerable, even when you genuinely want to help, for their fear is that you will see their weaknesses and shortcomings.

Dominate relationships – They love using the words “should” or “must.” Telling others what they should or must do is done in an attempt to place themselves in a seat of authority. They verbalize commands of correction to get what they want.

Opinionated – They can talk incessantly about other people. They are over-consumed with their own self-image, point of view, preferences, and desires, which leads them to perpetually talk about their opinions, and to lack consideration for the opinions of others.

Lack of empathy – They do not want to understand the opinion of others and they are not sensitive to what others experience or feel. They refuse to consider what it feels like to be in another’s shoes.

Devalue others – Rather than having a healthy criticism of others, they use it as a tool to devalue others. They believe they are superior to others. People with this trait take more than they give, and when they don’t get what they want, they take on an attitude of contempt.

Set many rules – Self-absorbed people often set high expectations of people close to them. This leads them to judge, issue corrections, and set rules. “I expect my wife/husband to (act like this, raise our children like this, or dress like this, etc.)”

Interruptions (verbal and otherwise) – The best communication skill is to listen. Self-absorbed people feel driven to interject their own opinions and they habitually do not let people finish sentences. Self-centered people love the sound of their own voice and will talk over others in an effort to get their point across.

Self-centered people have a tendency to barge into your space, with little to no regard for your time or availability. As they propel into your space, they may say, “I know you are very busy, but …” These words are often not heart-felt, and are typically a ploy to continue interrupting.

Expect you to be available – In addition to interrupting you, self-absorbed people may feel put-off or angry if you’re not available for a talk, call, or visit. They often feel like you have an agenda that isn’t about them, “They didn’t answer my call. I know they are there. They are avoiding me.”

Two Key Differences Between Self-Absorbed Person and a Narcissist

Empathy – Most self-centered people feel and can show empathy, to a lesser degree (as compared to a non-self-centered person), however, they are good at turning it off and on. When they are looking inwards and refusing to look outwards (i.e., they are in a mood, or are arguing a point), they go blind to the feelings and thoughts of others. The most common identifier of a narcissist, however, is a complete lack of empathy.

Emotional abuse – Self-absorbed people may try to manipulate others, yet, this is not ingrained in their nature as it is with a narcissist. A self-centered person may say things that resemble gaslighting, such as, “You are so wrong…I am not even sure where you got that from,” or, “How can you believe that? Are you okay?” The self-absorbed person’s intention is not to gain control of your mind, nor to make you feel you have lost yours. Instead, their mindset is rooted in proving that they are right.

How to Deal with a Self-Absorbed Person

We all want to retain a state of calm, especially when we are dealing with a toxic self-absorbed person. One of the best ways to buffer stress is through mental and physical boundary setting.

In The Moment Boundary: How do you want to feel mentally and physically? Pay attention to your breathing, your heart rate, and your thoughts at the moment. Despite any negative emotional wrangling that you may be encountering, develop a mindset that helps you remain in a calm and peaceful place. Are you breathing normally? Slow your breathing down. Practice deep breathing. Deep breathing not only helps your body and mind live in a state of calm, but it also lowers your heart rate and blood pressure.

There is one major thing that a self-centered person cannot do to you, and that is to get inside of your head and change your thoughts. You have this.

Mental boundaries include refusing to argue. Mental boundaries can lead to physical boundaries, (i.e., exiting to another room, or leaving the premises entirely). When you leave the premises, or even when you remain in the same space, say, “When you are calmer, we can talk,” or, “When the time is more appropriate, we can talk.”

Your preferences and mental self-preservation are your boundaries, and you must stick with them. Be clear with your preferences. You cannot give someone your full attention when you are not in a space conducive to doing so. You cannot communicate in a productive manner with a person who is in an unwilling empathy-lacking mental state.

Our lives are unique, so our boundaries are limitless!

I hope this blog helped you identify with self-absorbed people. We will talk in-depth about boundaries in an upcoming blog or vlog.

Be sure to share your thoughts and experiences that you’ve had with self-absorbed people in the comments below…the more we share, the more we help others!

Disclaimer: This blog provides general information and discussions about coaching, aromatherapy, and related subjects. The information and other content provided in this blog, or any linked materials, are not intended and should not be construed as medical advice, nor is the information a substitute for professional medical expertise or treatment.

If you or any other person has a medical concern, you should consult with your health care provider or seek other professional medical treatment. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something that you have read on this blog or in any linked materials. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services immediately.

The opinions and views expressed on this blog and website have no relation to those of any academic, hospital, health practice, or other institution.

What is a Narcissist?

www.maryhumphreycoaching.com what is a narceissistWhen I started dating my former husband, I had never heard of the term narcissist. In fact, I stumbled across the term approximately 38 years later.

In today’s society, the title narcissist is frequently and loosely applied to self-centered people who show some traits of narcissism. People who are “ate up with themselves,” however, do not always display all of the prominent markers of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). People who are arrogant and boisterous, for example, are not necessarily narcissists—yet, they may have a few narcissistic traits in their personality.

Traits of a Narcissist

People embodied with NPD have traits that typically include manipulative tactics and forms of abuse.

They lack empathy and they go to extremes to take advantage of people. An example of this: The narcissist says, “I am so concerned for you,” as they wrap their arms around you and ask you in a coyly, “tell me what is wrong.” Later, the narcissist will use what you share with them against you, like a bullet. The narcissist picks up their gun and shoots you when you are least expecting it. You are then stunned and dead in your tracks! They use the information that they gathered from you when you were open and vulnerable to their best advantage, and at a great disadvantage to you.

Special treatment and entitlement go hand in hand in a narcissist’s mind. Regardless of how they treat you or others, a narcissist expects to be treated like a queen or a king. If they feel inconvenienced or uncomfortable in any way, they lift their own self up by striking out in a manner that belittles others, “You’re stupid,” “You do not have a heart,” “Those dumb … (fill in the blanks),” “That is for losers, and it is not for me!”

They possess grandiose ideas about themselves. Narcissists believe they are more intelligent, more successful, are better lovers, have better looks, and are more important than others. They are masters at disguise and they feel a sense of power over others.

They are insecure, envious, sensitive, and thin-skinned. Narcissists lash out at the smallest degree of criticism or personal challenge. A narcissist, for example, will verbally strike out at people that have obtained something in life that he/she has not been able to achieve. It looks like this: “Well, they have their degree. They think their *** does not stink.” “They can have ***, I think it is ugly as ***.” “They may have ***, but they aren’t cool like I am.” “I hope their house burns down,” might be their envious words when someone they know buys a new home.

My prior husband/narcissist would often say (about his own mother), “I hope she dies and rots in hell.” This was said at the spur of the moment, seemingly for no reason—but particularly when his mother experienced something good in life. When the day came that he realized I was moving on, that he no longer had control over me, she was the first person that he called. He ran me into the ground with intense exaggeration, and then she asked no questions. I then realized that she (and other family members) had joined together as a narcissist troupe well before that phone call. That was an eye-opening 5 minutes of my life!

They get what they want through interpersonally exploitive behavior. What does that mean? It means taking advantage of others to achieve what they want in life.

A narcissist uses family members, friends, and even their children to execute their plans. Narcissists are often masters at constructing their own army of supporters, and these “helpers” have a name, “flying monkeys.” Victims of narcissistic relationships can be left with confusing feelings of, “Who can I trust?”

Narcissists typically use a manipulative tactic on their victims termed “gaslighting.” In my experience, gaslighting occurs alongside all of the above traits. Gaslighting is a tool used in an attempt to convince the victim to doubt their own perception. Common gaslighting statements: “You are crazy,” “You are way too sensitive,” “If you were more loving, I wouldn’t seek out others,””You are lying,” “I didn’t say that,” “You are imagining things,” “You are sick,” “You are a fake,” and “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

Narcissists’ Difficulties in Life

Even though the narcissist can smoothly pull in their own army of flying monkeys, they often fail in certain “normal” areas of life because some people see the truth.

Employment difficulties are common with narcissists. Employers detect and don’t buy into the lies, and they also see the manipulation of others.

Failure with relationships (friends and family members) is also common with narcissists. The narcissist is excellent at pulling in their army of flying monkeys, yet, there are people that see the tactics early on in the relationship and they never allow the manipulation. In other words, they keep their distance.

Can Narcissism be Diagnosed and Treated?

There is no specific test for NPD. It is not a disease and there are no physical markers of the disorder. If the narcissist admits that they have these problems, therapy may help, but the problem is that most narcissists see the world through their own lenses—and they believe the world is the problem and that they are the victim.

Talk with Supporters

If you are a victim in a toxic relationship, I encourage you to face the truth and reach out to others for support.

I typically coach survivors of toxic narcissistic relationships. Sometimes it is difficult to later put our best foot forward and stretch ourselves to accomplish our goals in life.

But, if you need a trusting person to hear what you have to say, whether you are the victim in the relationship today, or if the victim is your loved one, or if you are a survivor … I encourage you to reach out to me.

Upcoming Posts:

Gaslighting, Flying Monkeys, Self-Centered vs. Narcissist, Empaths and Narcissism, Forgiveness vs. Boundaries